Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize