Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
please come you make the beer taste better
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
