And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
