If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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