you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
