I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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