You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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