she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
