i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
