Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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