Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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