i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
