M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
