I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
