I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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