Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
