I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
