This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
