I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
