I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
