I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
