I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
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Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize