I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
