I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
