Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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