I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
