I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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