i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
