if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
