i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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