omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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