yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
