haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
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