all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
