I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
