i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
