I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
