i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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