Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
