Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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