I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
