Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
