i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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