I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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