My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
