I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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