I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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