nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
