So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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