I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
