Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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