Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
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She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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