Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
