i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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