Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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