my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
