Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
