We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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