Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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