i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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